Strength for the Journey

Remorse

I completely regret everything that has happened within the last month or two that has passed.

I miss you so much. I thought I’d be stronger. I thought it wouldn’t affect me as hard as it has been. I thought I’d be happier. Well, I’m not. I feel like shit, I miss you like crazy, and well.. everything just hurts.

What’s worse is that you don’t even care anymore. You moved on to someone that’s “just like me, but slightly different”. What the hell? Is that even really moving on then? Do you even realize how much that hurts to have heard you say that? No, because all you care about is yourself.

you know what’s sad though? I still want you back. Just the thought of you with someone else tears my heart into thousands among millions of tiny pieces, that I just want to escape that emotional pain through any means necessary.. There are scars on my heart now and they won’t go away any time soon.

I feel so pathetic. 

An update

It finally happened. I finally ended this relationship with one of the most wonderful girls I’ll probably ever meet. I ended up breaking her heart, and in the process of doing so ended up twisting up mine into various shapes and forms. Not only do I miss her, but I feel racked with guilt, with so many people telling me how much I messed up and how I had hurt her.

And even though i feel hurt, I also feel better about my life. I feel free, unrestricted, able to do as I please without worrying if I’ll end up hurting someone or not. Shady as it may sound, I missed being single.

I can now be in the same room with “you”, without feeling extreme guilt or betrayal. I can see you and smile, and not worry about anything else.

Midterms sucked. I dont feel very confident with my classes at the moment, aside from my math class. Did I mention I know have a burning hatred for radicals? Because I do.

That’s pretty much all I have to say for now. catch ya’ on the flip side, yo’.

What is wrong with me?

I really wanted to see you. Maybe ask if you wanted to get some coffee? Or maybe we could have gotten lunch together, my treat. My oh my, how the opportunities were shoved right into my face.

To finally end something that didn’t feel so right, and try to reconnect with the girl of my dreams.

And yet, I didn’t.

I’m still where I’m at now, all because I was too afraid to actually pursue what I had wanted. I feel like what I have now is all I could ever have, and what I want is something I’ll never truly have.

I miss you so much, oh how I wish I could have just asked you to coffee.

jackienguyen:

There are times when I miss you and want to text you just to see how you’re doing. Mainly to find out if you’re doing horrible without me, as cold-hearted as it may seem. And then I go to all the social networks possible and eventually find out/know how you’re doing and then I end up being irritated. 

Reasons as to why I do this to myself is beyond me.

My heart is hurting

I keep trying to remind myself how wonderful my life is without you in it, just as I’m sure your life is without me in it. Yet when I see you with someone else, my heart aches. It suffers, it screams, it cries tears of agonizing pain. My chest starts to hurt, my hands begin to get cold, and my mind is filled with such horrible thoughts. 

The other day I had seen some old friends at a retail store. I told them I was looking for a birthday gift for my girlfriend, and one of them said, “Oh, you mean for ___- I mean..”. She got quiet when she had realized what she had said. I tried playing it off as if I didn’t care, but the truth is that I did care. It did hurt. I was reminded of the one person I love so dearly in my life, and how she probably wants nothing to do with me.

What the hell is wrong with me? She’s in my past, I’m supposed to move on. I keep telling myself that I’d be happy for her, no matter where she’s at and no matter who she’s with. Yet hear I am, just wishing that she was here, with me. Why am I having so much trouble with just moving on? Why can’t I just accept the fact that there will be nothing between us again? I don’t want to say it, because it’s true..

But I want her love. I want her all. I want her to be by her side, the one she turns to when she needs someone. I want to be the one she looks forward too seeing in the day. I pray to God that I can have her again. just to have one. more. chance.

But the odds aren’t in my favor. I can’t force her to love me. I can’t just jump back into her life, even if the opportunity presents itself.

So I lay here in bed, with a twisted, broken heart, just hoping that maybe someday things can go back to how they were, to be yours, and you mine.

I finally have my ask box set up

bout’ frighin time >.<

to recap last Friday:

Adoration was great. I felt nervous while giving the first sorrowful mystery, but other than that it was amazing<3

However, I did feel extremely embarrassed when my affirmation was read aloud; Once I heard her name I shuttered a bit on the inside, hoping that no one had heard it. I looked to two of my friends standing with the choir and I noticed that they were looking at me. Oh, how I wish that no one had heard it. 

I especially wish that no one there tells her that her name was read aloud. The last thing I want is to start drama between her and I again.

eh, too lazy to type, to tired to continue. I’m going to sleep.